We’ve all been there; you’re looking at something on your laptop and know you should probably lock the door. But, feeling in an Evel Knievel sort of mood, you don’t. Of course moments later your partner bursts in, offering you a slice of cake. They spot your laptop screen and their eyes grow large in horror, their face dropping in disappointment. In that moment, you know they’ve written you off forever and you should have been playing at an online casino instead!
No, it isn’t naughty Internet sites we’re talking about. Get your mind out of the gutter. We’re talking about these disturbing RPGs that could make an old lady drop dead. On the other hand, maybe you have the sort of relationship where your partner would jump right in and play with you. In which case, respect!
South Park: The Stick Of Truth
Who doesn’t love South Park? It’s a little dirty and inappropriate, sure. But at its core, South Park is one of the best-written satirical shows in existence, bar none. The Stick of Truth is equally as clever, and a pretty good RPG. But then, there is that one scene when the characters are shrunk and you sneak across a bedroom while two people are vigorously having sex on the bed.
That’s just the start of it; we’re not sure how much we should say here, but testicles are involved…
Honestly, most couples are pretty happy kicking back and hitting up GTA. There’s driving, shooting, a decent story, and maybe a few rude jokes here and there. Right?
Well, lest we forget, there is also some full frontal nudity, and that whole thing with being able to pick up prostitutes. Oh right, and the interactive lap dances at the strip club. Hey, if your partner is into it we don’t judge. In fact, high five.
The Witcher 3
Wow, Geralt sure does have a great deal of sex with a great many ladies in Witcher 3. Even on a stuffed unicorn in one instance. But technically speaking, The Witcher 3 isn’t really more explicit than Game of Thrones. So, if you can watch that with a partner, you could probably play this with them. Though, there is an element of interactivity in this case, so you might just want to think it through before you ask them to sit down and grab a controller.
“The Sims,” you guffaw with a smirk, “that cute game about getting a job, finding a partner and raising a little virtual family?” You mean the game where you can very literally go on a mission to have an affair with every character in town? Regardless of age, as long as the character is technically not a minor? That Sims? To be absolutely honest, this might just be the dirtiest game on the list when you really stop to think about it. It’s genuinely shocking more of a fuss isn’t made about how staggeringly immoral this game is.
You might call your partner over; telling them this is a stealth game. Like Metal Gear Solid? Sure, like Metal Gear Solid! Then you start playing, and around about the time you wrap a plastic bag around a thugs head, and pummel him in the face with your bare fists until he dies, you realise; not so much like Metal Gear Solid.
Manhunt is the sort of game that can make you feel uncomfortable playing. There really is something about the gritty, filthy feel of it all, making it somehow far more disturbing than any other game that has ever featured stealth kills. In a nutshell, it isn’t exactly the right game for date night.
Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball
This one is downright insidious. You could easily mistake it for a sports game, and perhaps even assume it’s based around co-operative play. Come play honey; it’s a volley ball game! The misunderstanding will probably not last much more than a few minutes before it sinks in. Yes, there is volleyball in this game, but the focus is very squarely around the mostly unclothed ladies playing the volleyball.
You can dress them up, pose them, and even buy them little presents. It doesn’t so much border on creepy as it does fly headfirst into creepy without so much as breaking stride.
Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Then we have Conker’s Bad Fur Day. Okay, seriously, this one really isn’t that bad. It has a few silly toilet humour jokes, but truthfully it’s a great game, and well worth a look. We’re comfortable saying you could play this with your partner, and at worst they may roll their eyes at you. But if you haven’t seen the opera singing Great And Mighty Poo scene, Google it now. It’s so silly, but so much genuine passion has gone into it. Brilliant.